Simpson Quotes as taken from the BBC

For my sanity and Shell I have copied the favorite quotes listed in the article, The Simpsons: 10 classic episodes, as things have a habit of disappearing and when you need it most…

Here are the favorite reader quotes, and mine of course, excluding the idiots that do not like the Simpsons but still have enough time to tell us they don’t like and oh, you could just change the channel, duhhhhh.

Do a search to find out who is credited with quote but keep in mind that it is quoted from the Simpsons anyway. I have shortened the quotes to suit me.

When Marge finds a pistol that she’d told him to get rid of.
He says:
“Marge, I swear, I honestly didn’t think you’d find out!”

Homer: Sometimes I think we’re the worst family in town
Marge: Well, maybe we should move to a larger community

Homer Live on television: I just want to make one thing clear..i thought the police officer was a prostitute…

Homer out for a walk with the family. He doesn’t get half a block when he says,”I’m cold, I’m tired, I’m hungry and I don’t know how much longer I can complain.”

Homer turns up at post office trying to retrieve the resignation letter he sent to work:
H: Hello, my name is Mr Burns, I believe you have a letter for me
Postal worker: OK Mr Burns, what’s your first name?
H: I don’t know….

“Hi! I’m actor Troy McLure, you might remember me from such instructional videos as “Mothballing Your Battleship” and “Dig Your Own Grave and Save”.

Homer: You know what you could do, Apu?
Apu: Yeah, shut up.
Homer: You could fake your own death.
Apu: Oh, would you shut up?
Homer: All you need is a car bomb and…
Apu: I can’t believe you don’t shut up!

Chief Wiggum – ‘This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a… car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless’

Homer – ‘Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids’.

Homer – “…but i don’t even believe in Jebus”, Quickly follwed by ….”Save me Jebuuuuus”!!

‘I used to be ‘with it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I am isn’t ‘it’, and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary’ (Grandpa Simpson)

Ralph Wiggum; “Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!”

“Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life’s problem”

Bart: Mom this uniform sucks
Marge: Bart, where did you learn such a word like that
Homer: Yea Moe, that team last night sucked. I mean they were the suckiest, bunch of sucks I have ever seen
Marge: HOMER
Homer: I gotta go Moe, my damn weiner kids need me

Marge: “Homer you’re not listening to me…”
Homer: “Sure they will…”

When Homer says to Marge that it takes 2 to lie – one to tell it and the other to listen.

Homer: There’s 3 ways of doing something, the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way.

news reporter: Don’t you think there is an inherent danger in sending unqualified, under trained civilians into space?
Homer Simpson: The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute… statue of liberty… that was our planet. You maniacs, you blew it up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Homer: One day, citizens are gonna stand up to crooked cops!
Chief Wiggum: They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?

Nelson: You wrecked Hitler’s car! What did he ever do to you?

Fat Tony: I don’t get mad, I get stabby. 

Cletus when he annouces ” I think I dun busted my stink bone”

Hank Scorpio, the best boss in the world.
“By the way, Homer, what’s your least favorite country? Italy or France?”
“Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy…”

Mayor Quimby “Simpson you idiot you spent your entire year’s budget in a month, your department is broke!”
Homer “Oh no…wait I have the perfect solution!”
Mayor Quimby “I hope so because those garbagemen won’t work for free!”
Homer “D’oh!”


When they visit Itchy and Scratchy Land.
“Marge Simpson, we’ve arrested your son”.
“Oh I’d be ashamed if I was that boys mother.”
“Marge Simpson, we’ve also arrested your older, balder, fatter son”.

Mr Burns: Face it Smithers, dogs are idiots! If I started licking at your face, and sniffing at your crotch, what would you say?!
Smithers: …..if YOU did it, sir?

Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That’s when I’m a viking!

(Lisa) “I’m going to become a vegetarian” (Homer) “Does that mean you’re not going to eat any pork?” “Yes” “Bacon?” “Yes Dad” Ham?” “Dad all those meats come from the same animal” “Right Lisa, some wonderful, magical animal!””

Selma: Huh. It’s like he just disappeared into fat air.

Bart meets a crocadile dundee character and shows off a knife he bought…
“Call that a knife? This is a knife”
Bart “That’s not a knife, it’s spoon!”
Croc dundee “I see you’ve played Knifey-Spoony before”

“Default. The two sweetest words in the English language. “

When Homer joins the Naval Reserve:
“I’m a man of few words … any questions?”
“Errr, is the poop deck really what I think it is?”
“I like the cut of your jib.”
“What’s a jib?”
“HA! Promote that man!”

Bart: Dad, You cannot wear that! That’s a rastafarian hat.
Homer: Pfft. Hey, i’ve been safariing since before you were born.

“Quoth the raven…”
“Eat my shorts!”

“My cat’s breath smells like cat food”

“He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that”

“Who likes short shorts?”

Homer drives into a statue (I think) of a Deer – He shouts “Doh!”, Lisa says “a Deer!”, then Marge says, “A female Deer!”.

Fat Tony bribing Mayor Quimby
Fat Tony: Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem.
Quimby: Thank you Fat Tony. However, in the future, I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.

When Homer changes his name:
“Max Power – great name”
Homer: “Thanks – I got it off a hair dryer”

Mr Burns: “My league, my beautiful league!”

Mr Burns: “Simpson I want you to show that woman the time of her life!”
Homer: “Marge – we’re getting some drive through then we’re doing it twice!”

Homer to Marge: “that triumvirate of twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.”

“I’d rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them”
“This is Wiggum, reporting a 318; waking a police officer”
“Let this be a lesson to you – kids never learn”
“Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the… uh… what is it that cures cancer?”
“All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says “Capricorn” and something with coconut on it”
“Put out an A.P.B. on a donut, believed sprinkled”

Bart “But Dad; you told me if I tried hard enough i could do anything.”
Homer ” I know son but now that you’re old enough I can tel you that that’s a load of croc”

Ralph Wiggam: “One day I’m going to bovine university.”
Ralp Wiggam (watching a porno): “Everyone’s hugging!”

Troy Mc Clure: “You may know me from public information films such as ‘Get confident, stupid!’ and “Smoke yourself thin’.”

Homer answering the phone saying “you will have to speak up I’m wearing a towel”

“You don’t win friends with salad; you don’t win friends with salad; you don’t win friends with salad!”

“What is the point in going out we only have to come back to this DUMP!”

Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Leader
Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Leader
Homer: Batman, i mean Leader. I love the Leader

My favourite all time Homer Quote:
“But Marge, in order to learn something I have to forget something to make room for the new knowledge. Remember the time I took that home winemaking course and forgot how to drive?”

When Marge gets a job at the nuk-ya-lar power plant:
“Now Marge, just remember, if something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?
“I’m used to seeing people promoted ahead of me. Friends, co-workers, Tibor…I never thought it’d be my own wife.”

Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

“A bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom big!”
“Stupid sexy Flanders!”

Homer is strapped into a lie detector, Moulder is pacing nervously around the room and Scully is running the test.
Scully (from x files): Now we’re gonna run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I will ask you a few ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions and you will answer truthfully. Do you understand.
Homer: (confidently) YES!
Lie detector: Kabooom (Explodes).

“It’s pronounced learned…”

Mr Burns: “This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they’ll have finished the greatest novel known to man … let’s see ‘It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?’ You stupid monkey.”

“If I could just say a few words….I’d be a better public speaker”

TV announcer: “Later tonight, do YOU know where your children are?”
Homer: “I told you NO. Where is Bart anyway? His dinner’s getting all cold and eaten”

“Just because I don’t care, it doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” (Homer)

Nelson: Who buys your PJs, Bart? You mother?
Bart: Of course she does. Who else would?

Homer – You don’t know how hard it is out there every day marge… AND I’M NOT OUT OF ORDER, YOUR OUT OF ORDER. The whole freaking system is out of order…. You want the truth? YOU WANT THE TRUTH? You can’t handle the truth. Because when you reach over and put your hand in a pile of goo, that was your best friend’s face, you don’t know what to do. FORGET IT MARGE it’s CHINATOWN!

Homer: “But Lisa, If we weren’t meant to eat the animals, why did god make them out of meat?”

“If you can be El Barto, then i can be El Homo.. DOH!”

“Is there anything you can’t do with a donut?”

“Hi, i’m Michael Jackson from the Jacksons”
“I’m Homer Simpson from the Simpsons”

“Me fail English? That’s unpossible!” – Ralph Wiggum

“In America, first you get the sugar… then you get the power… then you get the women”… Homer

Homer: “I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am”
Marge: “Can you see towels? If you see towels you’re in the linen closet”

Must Kill Mo ….. weeeeeeeee
Must Kill Mo …… weeeeeeeee

Homer to Marge:
I know what I can offer you that noone else can: complete and utter dependence.

Burns: “Throw this pudding at that man.”
Homer: “But Lenny’s a war hero.”
Burns: “I said do it!”
Lenny: “Ahhhh! My eye! The doctor said I’m not supposed to get pudding in it!”
Burns: “Excellent. Throw another.”
Carl: “Ahhhh!”
Burn: “What are you doing you imbecile! That’s Carl!”
Burns goes to help Carl rinse out the pudding.

Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let’s go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

“Trying is the first step towards failure.”. – Homer Simpson

From the Stonecutter’s song:Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do! We do!

“When I was a boy my mother said to me ‘Homer, you’re a big disappointment.’ God bless her, she was right.”

“Dad, you killed the zombie Ned Flanders!”
Homer (confused): “He was a Zombie”

Homer: “If you don’t stop your complaining, dad, we’ll put you in a home!”
Grandpa: “You already put me in a home!”
Homer: “Then we’ll put you in that crooked home we saw on 60 minutes!”
Grandpa: “I’ll be good!”

“Don’t keep blaming yourself Marge. Blame yourself once and move on.”

“So the doctor said my nose would stop bleeding if I’d just keep my finger out of there.” ~ Ralph Wiggum

Homer: Hello operator, give me the number for 911!

“ohhh a GYME!!!

”I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman!”

Rainier Wolfcastle: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Homer: [scoffs] I know. And this perpetual motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa! Get in here…In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer: There’s your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I’m a boy.
Homer: That’s the spirit. Never give up.

Eat the pudding,
Eat the pudding,
Eat the pudding,
Eat the pudding.

mmmmm floorpie

Marge: “Homer, the plant called, if you don’t go in today, don’t bother going in on Monday”
Homer: “Woo-hoo, 4 day weekend!”

Rep: “This cost 500 dollars”
Homer: “500 dollars, I can’t afford that”
Rep: “But surely sir you can’t put a price on your families security?”
Homer: “Neither did I, but here we are!”

Moe: Moe’s Tavern
Bart: Hello is Al there?
Moe: Al?
Bart: Yeah Al last name Coholic?
Moe: Let me check. Phone call for Al Al-Coholic Is there an alcoholic here?

Bart: I’m looking for a Mrs O’ Problem first name Bea
Moe: Hold on a sec Bea O’ Problem Bea O’ Problem Do I have a Bea O’ Problem here?
Barney: You sure do

Bart: Yeah hi I’m looking for Amanda Hugnkiss.
Moe: Ok. Guys I’m looking for Amanda Hugnkiss. Why can’t I find Amanda Hugnkiss?
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high

Homer: “Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way!”

Lisa: “Oh we have those in America; we call them ‘Bullfrogs’ “
Australian Lad: “Really? That’s a funny name. Over here we call them ‘Fezzwazzers’ “

Moe – “It can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds”
Homer “40 seconnds..? but i want it noww”

“Who’d have thought a whale could be so heavy?” – Moe whilst carrying Shamu in the Simpsons X-Files episode.

“Now I have 4 children. You will be called, Stitchface.” Homer talking to an American football.

“That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I’m going to clown college!” 

“Marge, what if we’ve chose the wrong religion? Each week we’re just making God madder and madder”.

“Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!”

“When I grow up, I’m going to go to Bovine University. “

“Marge, you know I’d never ever do anything that would upset you if I thought for a moment you’d find out”.

Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me?
Marge: Homer, that’s not God. That’s a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.
(Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.)
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn’t eat Thee, but… (munch munch munch) mmm… sacrelicious.

Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Homer no function beer well without.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals Except the weasel.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me Sir without adding ‘You’re making a scene

when The simpson come to London and They arrive at the airport when Tony Blair is greeting the visitors. When he leaves Homer goes:
“I can’t believe we met Mr. Bean!”

Chief Wiggum : Errrr no, you got the wrong number, this is 9,1……….2!

La Grille? What the hell is that?!

Homer: What’s the meaning of life?
God: Homer, I can’t tell you that. You’ll find out when you die.
Homer: I can’t wait that long!
God: You can’t wait six months?

Homer: Hey Moe, I never knew you were a boxer
Moe: They used to call me Kid Gorgeous. Then Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. Finally Kid Moe. Then I had to give up by Boxing career.
Homer: Why, Moe?
Moe: Cos I lost 103 bouts in a row. That plus politics.
Homer (angry) Lousy Democrats.

If we had $10,000 we’d be millionaires!

Homers excuse,” its not my fault,liquors drunkened me.

Bart on blackboard:
I will not cut corners
I will not cut corners
” ” ” ” “
” ” ” ” “

Homer: ‘But weasling out of things is what separates us from the animal kingdom. Except for the weasels.’

‘Homer, thats supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer not the other way around, you have ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: ‘Incorrect Marge, two perfectly good jackets’

Marge “quick some one perform CPR”
Homer “uhhh I see a bad mon rising”
Marge “That’s CCR”
Homer “Looks like we’re in for nasty weather” 

Homer: “Yeah it is great Maggie has got a father figure in her life. Hey wait that is supposed to be me.”
Bart: “You can be my father figure”
Homer: “No way I am not getting my finger prints on that train wreck, but if I lose Maggie I am all out for three I have to get her back.”
Bart: “I can help you
Homer: I said pipe down Mtrack!

“If you’re gonna live under MY roof, then you’re gonna live by MY rules — NOW BUTTER YOUR BACON BOY!”

Mmmmmmm…. Dohnuts

“stupid gravity” Homer, after falling from the tree house

Homer Simpson: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? 

Homer sees a picture of Ned with the words “MAN OF THE CENTURY”. So he says: “Ned Flanders man of the century? It must have been an awful century!”

Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
Homer: Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.
Scorpio: Don’t call me that. It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either. Call me Hank!

Marge is just about to give birth to Maggie
Homer : Its a boy and woahhhh What a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor : Thats the umbilical cord mr simpson

“The problem with marriage Marge is communication… Too much communication”

“When a woman say’s nothings wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And if a woman say’s everything’s wrong, then that means EVERYTHING is wrong. And if a woman say’s that’s not funny, you better not laugh your ass off!”

“You don’t win friends with salad Lisa!”

Homer: “Hey Marge, what’s that metal… dealy… you use to dig food?”
Marge: “A spoon?”
Homer: “Yeah gimme gimme”

 ” Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn’t I think of that?
Hammocks! Homer, there’s four places. There’s the Hammock Hut,
that’s on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank: There’s Hammocks-R-Us, that’s on third too. You got
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank: That’s on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot… Matter of fact,
they’re all in the same complex; it’s the hammock complex…

Bart: This is the worst day of my life.
Homer: No it’s not, it’s just the worst day of your life so far.

Homer (when questioned): ‘I’m not going to lie to you Marge’ (before walking away)

Homer: (suspecting Bart is gay) where did you get that hawaiian shirt?
Bart: It came out of the closet
Homer: rightttttttt

“Let’s make litter of this literati!”
“Hey, that’s too clever. You’re one of them!”

Burns: Smithers, there’s a rocket in my pocket.
Smithers: I can see that sir.

Groundskeeper Willie: ” There’s nowt as fast as a greased Scotsman!…….Grease me up Wumin!”

Homer: Uh… you have any sugar around here?
Hank: Sugar? Sure.
[takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets]
Hank: There you go. Sorry it’s not in packages. Want some cream?

Troy McClure: Dont kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!

Chief Wiggum: Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean we can’t be policing the entire city.

Edna Krabappel: “I never heard the word embiggens until I moved to Springfield.”
Miss Hoover: “I don’t know why; it’s a perfectly cromulent word.”

Homer searches for a peanut under the sofa and finds $20…
Homer: $20 but I wanted a peanut
Homer’s Brain: $20 can buy lots of peanuts
Homer: explain how..
Homer’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services
Homer: Woohoo!!

“Anyone not married to or spawned from my loins, get the hell out of my house!”

There was no Roman god named ‘fartacus’

‘Marge my friend, I havent learned a thing.’

“Simpson, you’re fat, bald and late!”


“When the weight of the world has got you down,
And you want to end your life,
Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
And problems with the wife.
But don’t throw in the towl,
Cos there’s a place right down the block,
Where you can drink your misery away…
At Flaming Moes….”

Marge: Remember the promise we made to the kids
Homer: What? When you are 18 you’re out of here!

Playing scrabble Bart uses up all his letters and produces Quijibo.
Homer: What’s quijibo? That ain’t a word
Bart: Yes it is. (Looking at his dad) It’s a large, fat, bald, North American ape.
Homer: Aaaargh
Cue Homer trying to kill Bart.

Homer: I can’t speak a foreign language…..ich bin hungrig! 

Homer to Bart: [Explaining mind over matter]
What is Matter.. Never mind. What is Mind.. Doesn’t matter!

Troy Mcclure: “and now we leave you with what we all came here to see… hard core nudity!”

homer: hmmm, increase my killing powers, eh…?

Mr Burns “I could crush him like ant…but i’ll wait…slowly…slowly…until…oh i’ll just crush him like an ant”

I liked when Homer declared “but I’m no super genius, or are I?”.

Homer – “Will you two knock it off! I can’t hear myself think!
(close up of Homers brain) Homer’s Brain – “I want some peanuts.”
Homer – “That’s better!”

“Silent anger, the cornerstone of every successful marriage”.

Hi I’m actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such medical films as “Alice Doesn’t Live Anymore” and “Mommy, What’s Wrong With That Man’s Face?”

“what’s the point in going out,we only have to come back to this dump”

…and “I just tripled my productivity, Miss Doesn’t-Find-Me attractive Sexually!”

I love beer, it makes women pretty !

Simpson, Homer Simpson,
He’s the greatest guy in history
From the, town of Springfield
He’s about to hit a chestnut tree!!!!!!!

Homer’s trying to buy a gun and the shop tell him it will take a week for the permit to come through: “A week? But I’m angry now!”

Marge: Homey, I’m going to be a dancer!
Homer: Go-Go or boring? 

“See my vest, see my vest
Made from real gorilla chest
Feel this sweater, there’s no better
Than authentic Irish setter……”

Homer “Oh, I’ve got 3 kids and no money, Why can’t i have no kids and three money?”

 “Kablamo! Oh excuse me Marge”

Thats it! You people have held me back long enough….I’m going to clown college!

Homer “Hey! No one thanked me”
Lisa “Dad, you didn’t do anything”
Homer “But I like to be thanked”

Homer: Looks like I’m gonna be up all night Marge. Put on a pot of coffee…. drink that coffee and start making burgers!

Mr Burns: As punishment for your desertion, it’s company policy to give you the plague!
Smithers: Er, sir, that’s “the plaque.”

[Homer.] “I am at that blissful place between telling the the lie and being found out”

Homer – “All work and no play makes Homer go..something something.. (thinking)”
Marge – “Crazy?”
Homer – “Don’t mind if I do!” (proceeds to spin around on the floor)

Dental plan
Lisa needs braces
Dental plan
Lisa needs braces
Dental plan
Lisa needs braces
Dental plan
Lisa needs braces…

Homer leafing through the Far Side calendar – “Don’t get it… don’t get it…”

Homer – “Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such”.

“Who can take your trash out?
Stomp it down for you?
Shake the plastic bag and do the twisty thingy too?
The garbage man!!
Oh the garbage man can!”

Homer: Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You are gay.’
(Looking at a globe map, country being Uruguay)

Homer to Lisa: I never apologise, I’m sorry but its just the way I am

Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple’s a fruit.

“But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.”

BART: Dad, your half arsed over parenting is almost as bad as your half arsed under parenting.

HOMER: Aw, but I was using my whole arse.

Marge: What would you like for dinner?
Homer: Steak?
Marge: We can’t afford steak Homer!
Homer: Steak?

“Everytime I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain”

“I’ll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship … these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business”

“Barts teacher is called Mrs Krabapple?? I’ve been calling her Mrs Crandle, owwwww why didnt anybody tell me??”

“Hey weiner boy”

Ralph and the Leprechaun:
“Ahh, you’ve done grand, laddie. Now you know what you have to do. Burn the house down! Burn ’em all! “

Billy: “Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins” (shakes Homer’s hand)
Homer (looking slightly puzzled): “Homer Simpson, smiling politely”.

Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here.
Homer: Yes, sir. I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.
Scorpio: Don’t call me that. It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either. Call me Hank!

Homer: If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead? 

‘Wait a minute… that’s not the wallet inspector!?’

Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!

Homer: ‘A problem shared is a problem doubled’.

Grandpa – “My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, and idiot, a communist, but he is NOT a porn star.”

Willie: What are you doing here?
Homer: We’re new foreign exchange students from…umm…Scotland!
Willie: Saints be praised – I’m from Scotland! Where do you hail from?
Homer: Uhh…North Kiltown.
Willie: No foolin’! I’m from North Kiltown! Do you know Angus McCloud?
Homer: Wait a minute…there’s no Angus McCloud in North Kiltown! Why, you’re not from Scotland at all!

My little girl has a sore stomach, do you have anything that’ll stop her from whining?

Bart: This is the worst day of my life!
Homer: No, the worst day of your life SO FAR!

Homer to Marge “Its okay, I’ll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight”

Doctor: Mr Simpson you are no longer a threat to yourslef or to society.
Homer: That is the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me.

Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You’ve got to set limits, Marge.

“If the flintstones taught us anything, its that you can use a pelican as a cement mixer”

Homer: “I’m not popular enought to be different.”

Marge in bed (rehearsing lines for Streetcar named Desire) “Homer! Why don’t you help me in anything?” Homer: “because I don’t care!”

MARGE: Homer if Bart wants to quit let him quit.
HOMER: Oh well if Bart is allowed to quit then I guess i’m allowed to quit my job too. (He picks up the phone and rings mr burns)
BURNS: Hello?
HOMER: Oh hello mr burns. This is Homer Simpson, the father of (turns to bart) THE BIG QUITTER! I just want to let you know that i’m also a bit quiter and i quit (he starts winking)
MARGE: Homer mr burns cannot see you winking on the phone.

“If the bible has taught us nothing, and it hasn’t, its that boys should stick to boys sports and girls should stick to girls sports.”

FLANDERS: Well hi-de-le-ho Homer. What can i do for you?
HOMER: Can’t talk now Flanders I have a class to teach!!!
Homer runs back to his car and continues driving.
FLANDERS: But Homer. You rang my door…..

“I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows!” 🙂

COLLEGE DEAN: Homer no one blames you for the accident we just feel you might benefit from a little more outside tutoring. I have researched these names of people who may be able to help.
HOMER: (to himself) Oh you win this round dean, but the war is not over…
He exits and the deans phone rings
DEAN: Hello?
HOMER: (putting on a stupid voice) Hello dean. Your a stupid head!!
The dean looks out his office window and sees homer in a phonebox
COLLEGE DEAN: Homer is that you?
HOMER: Arhh..

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher’s mitt, but my dad wouldn’t get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what’s the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories

Its just a little air born, its still good its still good!

Bart: So, what are you in for?
Gordy: I moved here from Canada, and they think I’m slow, eh?

Homer: Let’s just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV.

Marge: “This car needs a wash”
Homer: “No it’s fine”
Leeny pulls alongside in his car
Lenny: “Hey Homer looks like your car could do with a wash”
Homer: “You think so? OK”
Marge: “You listen to your friends more than you listen to me”
Homer: “Hey, that’s great!”

Homer: Look everyone, now that I’m a teacher I’ve sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that’s supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You’ve ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Correction, Marge…
[holds up a tweed jacket with two large holes in the back]
…Two perfectly good jackets.

Homer: “Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s remotely true.”

Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven’t changed since high school and suddenly I’m uncool.

Homer in sing song voice- I am so smart, S.M.R.T i mean S.M.A.R.T, Doh!


”Mu-st ki-ll M-o-e…WHEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Marge: “Homer, I’ve got someone here who can help you!”
Homer: “Is it Batman?”
Marge: “No, it’s a scientist.”
Homer: “Batman’s a scientist.”
Marge: “Homer, it’s not Batman!”

“I wanted to see inside my brain so I lit a Q-tip”

“you’ve tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try”

Homer (opening his tax bill): Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the homer tax
Lisa: no dad, thats the home owner tax!

Ahhh, you inter-galactic hussie

Marge: “I hope you have learnt something after all this!”
Homer (proudly): “Marge – I haven’t learned a thing!”

Marge says “Homer, I have some good news”. He replies “Ooo, is it about pies?”.


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